i am green with envy. not about anything or anyone in particular. i’m just filled with this overwhelming and disappointing sense of pure…envy. and i hate it so much. i pride myself on not wanting the unnecessary, on being happy with what i have. i’m starting to believe this is just a lie i keep telling myself to stay alive. to not be so full of envy that i cannot stand to be around myself. i fear the lie is on the cusp of not working anymore. i don’t want more money or good looks or anything like that, i just want happiness. i want my health. i want my sanity. being constantly surrounded by sane, healthy people is taking its toll. slowly but surely all i have faked myself into believing is breaking down and all i can see now—all i can feel now—is shame. and helplessness. and hopelessness. i’m always waiting until tomorrow, or next month, or next year to make a change. and i always get a day, or two days, or even a week of positive change in…and then i lose it. and then i’m worse off than when i started. and i’m back in the hole. and i am not happy.
I AM NOT HAPPY.
i’m not even content. at this point, i would settle for contentedness. but i can’t even have that.
AND I AM SO MAD.
i’m mad that i feel this envy. i loathe this feeling of greediness. i go back to my masochistically fake selflessness and i hate myself for hating myself. and i hate myself for hating myself for hating myself.
SOMETIMES I HATE MYSELF.
and i struggle to remember what is good. and when i do, i feel so vain that i can’t even stand myself anymore. i’m honestly not sure what i hate more, my vanity, or my envy. i tell myself that i am a good person. that i care. and that i give. and that i’d rather give than receive. and that makes me good. just in writing that, i feel miserable.
I FEEL SO VAIN.
i spend so much time by myself that i’ve been reduced to two feelings, to two thoughts, two emotions. i either try to take the focus off of myself and onto others and i feel envy, or i take time to focus on myself and i feel vain. and i feel so helpless in my vanity because at the same time i really don’t believe there’s much to be vain about.
THIS IS GOING NOWHERE.
i am constantly stuck between the two with little variation. this is a constant cycle of general self-hate and this is so miserable. i feel like i am back in high school. i show nothing. i tell no one.
I LIVE BEHIND A MASK.
i go to school, to church, home…and it’s always the same thing. how are you today? fine. how are you today? tired. how are you today? ok. how are you today? exhausted. 9 out of 10 times, it’s a complete lie. sure, i’m tired all the time. this is because i sleep too little, and then i sleep too much. am i ever fine? barely. am i ever ok? rarely. i understand not wanting to go into detail with the dude at the takeout place, but with rare exception, i lock myself up in the same way i did when i was at my lowest. when i was in therapy, and on medication, and self-harming, and contemplating suicide, and sometimes attempting it, and ending up in the hospital. i sometimes think that as desperately hopeless as i felt at 14, 15, 16, and 17, i feel unquantifiably worse now. that everything i felt back then was just teenage angst amplified to dangerous levels. that here at the ripe old age of 25 i am legitimately miserable and in need of everything i barely took advantage of back then.
AND THEN I FEEL VAIN AGAIN.
and i try to remind myself that it’s not all about me.
AND THEN I WONDER IF I TRULY KNOW WHAT VANITY IS.
is caring about my well-being vain? is wanting to stay alive vain? but at the same time, what do i truly have to complain about? i have a roof over my head, i have food on my table, i have family. heck, i even have a car, and a little money in the bank, and an education. more than i need. maybe more than i deserve.
THERE’S THAT VANITY AGAIN.
i can turn anything into a conversation about me. and i enjoy it. but i show humility. but do i really, truly, actually feel it?
I LONG FOR A HUMBLE LIFE.
at least i tell myself i do. i know i’ll never hit 100% humility. i’d like to say the best i can do is christ-like humility, but i won’t kid myself with lofty goals.
I JUST WANT TO SAY WHAT I MEAN, AND MEAN WHAT I SAY.
I DON’T WANT TO HIDE ANYMORE.
I DON’T WANT TO FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF.
I DON’T WANT TO BE ENVIOUS OF OTHERS.
I WANT PEACE.
I WANT JOY.
I WANT LOVE.
I WANT HAPPINESS.
I NEED PATIENCE.
I NEED HUMILITY.
I NEED HOPE.
I NEED FAITH.
i’ll leave myself with two thoughts from Anthony de Mello’s book “Awareness.” i read these and i want so badly to TRULY take them to heart and live them out with passion and honesty. time will tell.