five years ago, my then-boyfriend made a realization about our actions that i didn’t fully think was true, but i understood his hesitation to continue on the path we were going on. my relationship with him opened up a door that i didn’t see myself stepping through for at least a few more years. while all we ever did was open it for a peek, that one tiny leap has recently opened a flood gate of feelings that i now realize may have been here all along.
i made a decision years ago that has raised many eyebrows, started a few bets, and has put me at the receiving end of many “but why??” and “wow, i could never do that!” conversations. while i don’t exactly remember what sparked the decision in the beginning, i have, over the past few years, carved out a pretty simple explanation to present to those who have questioned it. i believed in what i was doing with all of my heart, and, because of this, sticking to it was never difficult for me. my door had an unbreakable security chain attached to it.
long after my ex and i went our separate ways, a new dilemma arose and i approached it cautiously. i’d had conversations about it with other people, but never made up my own mind about how i truly felt about it. now that i was faced with it, i felt like it was time to decide. i still haven’t. it has become, like many other things in my life, one of those things that i go back to, then regret, then go back to…many times, with seemingly no end to the cycle. most days, though, i make excuses. i could be doing something worse. i’m just trying to learn something new.
recently, however, i have taken it a step further. that security chain hasn’t been broken, but a few more links have been added to it. the chain is just a little be longer. no intruders can enter, but it has left enough me of me exposed to cause me to contemplate a) its purpose, b) its usefulness, and c) why it’s still there.
this terrifies me.
everything i have known, been protected from, been hurt by, and relied on in my adult life has rested on the existence of this chain.
the liberal side of me is telling me that as long as the chain is still in tact, i am doing alright. the harshly realistic part of me is telling me that whether or not i break the chain completely, its integrity has been compromised, thus rendering its existence pointless. the angel on my shoulder is telling me to purchase a deadbolt. the devil on my shoulder is telling me to grab a screwdriver. or an ax.
the part of me that’s writing this is not sure who to listen to.
i’ve realized that the only people i have dared to have conversations with about this might not be the least biased audience, but if i somehow managed to express my feelings to completely opposite people, i fear i’d run into the same problem.
finding middleground is not easy.
